The Holy Bible tells us to guard our hearts for out of it flow the issues of life. All the circumstances and pieces of life pass in and out of our hearts. Relationships, careers, dreams, and goals are rooted in our center- our heart. Jesus told his disciples in John 14:27 to “let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” He knew there would be times in life that would try us, cause our hearts to worry, and bring fear to our doorstep. Guarding our hearts from fear, pain, or worry is no easy feat, but it is not impossible as I once believed.

When I was in high school, my Sunday school teacher was a true cowboy and farmer six days a week and sometimes even on Sundays when the “ox fell in the ditch.” He was also a father and grandfather, and he would often share life stories and experiences with us as they fit our lessons. I vividly remember one account he shared with us of when his daughter and her best friend were in high school. At the time, his daughter’s friend had a broken heart as her boyfriend had ended their relationship. His daughter had invited her friend over for a sleepover, and the two girls spent the majority of the night sobbing over the breakup. He exclaimed to them, “Why are you two wasting this Friday night crying over some boy who doesn’t even matter when you could be out having fun? This is not something worth crying over.”

When he told our class this story, I was slightly offended but attempted to keep my feelings hidden. I was sixteen or seventeen years old at the time, and I could relate to this girl’s devastation. “What if she had really loved him? What if she wanted or dreamed of spending her life with him? What if she thought he was ‘The One’?” These were the questions running through my mind. I felt like her sobbing was warranted. Heartbreak was so painful. And so inevitable… right?

Our hearts will inevitably experience disappointment in life, but we can guard them from utter devastation. Whether it is an audition without a callback, a significant other that has become less significant, or a friendship that ends sooner than we imagined, we have hope that these trials won’t be our end.

The difference between disappointment and devastation is that one believes God has a better plan and is protecting from harm, where the other is convinced the world is ending because what was hoped for didn’t pan out as anticipated. Disappointment may shed a few tears, shake its head, and think “that didn’t make sense.” Devastation sobs for days or weeks, believing the best is over instead of yet to come. Disappointment prays to the Father for wisdom and discernment over the recent circumstances, knowing He orchestrates all things for good. Devastation blindly begs for relief and to gain back whatever was lost or removed, no matter the cost.

Disappointment’s heart may be bruised or bandaged, but Devastation’s heart is shattered. The former seeks counsel to put on armor and sharpen its weapons, where the latter may build a fortress around the broken pieces with a banner of “KEEP OUT” over the door. Disappointment kept God at the center, where Devastation held the blessing between itself and the Creator. Devastation clings on to the situation as if its life depended on it where Disappointment lays it at the feet of Jesus. Disappointment casts down its own name and puts on Hope, trusting in things not seen.

Guarding Your Heart

God doesn’t want us building walls around our hearts. We are created to worship and to love. Our first love is our heavenly Father, and our second is people. These two commandments of Jesus were recorded both in Matthew 23: 37-40 and Mark 12: 30-31. When we mix the order on these commandments, we set ourselves up for devastation. Further, when we refuse to open our hearts to allow love to flow freely for fear of getting hurt, we give ourselves a false sense of control, and we are robbed from the blessings of following Jesus’s commandments.

Focusing on our relationship with Jesus, studying God’s word, and spending much time in prayer with Him is a foundation for guarding our hearts. Here are four explicit tips gleaned from this incredibly helpful video by Mark Ballenger that will help us keep our hearts guarded when building new relationships with others.

1. Accept the excitement of the situation without assuming it will impact your future. Maybe you just met someone and start to develop feelings for him or her. Maybe you interview for a new job that seems like a perfect fit. Maybe you make an offer on a house that seems to check all the boxes. Having these feelings of excitement does not mean you are dissatisfied with the blessings God has given you in your current situation. We should be excited about new possibilities and opportunities that cross our path. However, when we allow our imaginations to fantasize what it will be like to marry this person when we don’t even know their middle name or how they take their eggs, we are setting our hearts up for devastation. When we envision where we are going to place every single Christmas decoration before our offer has been accepted on the home, we are opening ourselves up to more hurt than necessary. Although we will be disappointed if we don’t get the job offer, the home, or the relationship we were interested in, we don’t have to fall into a pit of despair because it didn’t work out. Stopping ourselves from overthinking a situation and praying to the Father to give us discernment will guard us from unnecessary pain.

2. Rely on logic and wisdom more than feelings early on. When we are first making decisions, whether they are about relationships, career choices, or which college to attend, we should rely on our minds and godly wisdom. In relationships especially, our hearts and minds are both equally important. However, they have very different roles in making decisions. It is wiser and safer to first base our decisions on logic than emotion. For example, if we base our decision on a potential mate from our feelings for that person in the beginning, we are not in a state of reality but fantasy. We too quickly allow ourselves to be blinded to who the person is and only see who we hope and dream they will be. If we don’t know someone when we begin to develop feelings for them, it is best to place our feelings aside, get to know that person as a friend, observe their life for fruits of the Spirit, and measure their character to see how they interact with the “least of these.” Then, we can decide how much heart space to give to them after we see their faithfulness, trustworthiness, and intentions… or lack thereof. We can ask God to give us wisdom in these situations to discern. Discernment is not always easy, but it is always worth our time. Proverbs 3:14-18 explains that the value of wisdom is higher than the price of gold and more precious than rubies. It leads to happiness because we use wisdom to set our sights on things above and see what truly matters in life.

3. Be interested instead of infatuated with the possibilities. Again, this is highly applicable to blossoming relationships, but also it can apply to many other aspects of life such as buying a vehicle, waiting on an acceptance letter, or making preparations for a family trip. Specifically for relationships, when we are interested in a person, we are open to the possibilities that could evolve from a relationship with that person. We should take opportunities to get to know new people to find out how God works in the details. Whether this new person is our future spouse or not, God can use this encounter as a way to further spread the gospel even if it doesn’t work out. Getting to know this person is two-fold. Not only are we given the chance to observe this person’s character, but they will have the opportunity to see the light that is within us.

The opposite of being interested, in this sense, is infatuation. Infatuation is being committed or obsessed with the idea that something desired will come into fruition before using logic to assess the situation. This might mean we expect this person to be our spouse before we even really get to know the person well. Infatuation can look like idolatry or lust, or a combination of the two. When we are interested, we keep our thoughts and feelings in check so that we can take time to get to know who this person is without lust or idolatry taking a seat on the throne of our hearts.

4. Ask God to reveal how much heart space this circumstance warrants. Oftentimes we ask God to allow us to go somewhere or be with someone instead of asking Him to show us how He wants the circumstance to take place in our lives. We should pray for understanding and clarity instead of “please, God, let this be ‘The One’” or “please, God, let me go on this trip.” Our mindset and “heart-set” must be in a place of contentment with what God wants for us and His timing, not ours. This shift in our intentions better directs our prayer and creates a healthier approach in the idea of being with someone we are interested in. This keeps us from locking in on one path so that we can be open to God’s possibilities. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). His ways of thinking and planning are infinitely better than what we are capable. When we ask God if we can be with someone, we are basically telling Him, the Creator of the Universe, what to do instead of humbly asking Him what we should do. When things don’t work out after we have asked God for permission over and over, we often find ourselves devastated because all we ever allowed ourselves to see was the potential outcome of what we wanted. We are blind-sighted by the result because we didn’t guard our hearts with God’s vision. When we allow Him to reveal His intentions of our circumstances while being open to the end result, we are able to fully experience the blessing of His providential love for us.

It’s unrealistic for us to expect our hearts to never hurt. We live in an imperfect world full of sorrows which continually remind us of our need for a Savior. However, the moments when our hearts are utterly shattered into devastation will become fewer in frequency and less in intensity as we guard our hearts with the Holy Spirit and lean into our Jesus. When we are devastated or disappointed from the trials of this life, our guarded heart will more quickly reach out to the Lord who will heal us in our brokenness. We can be encouraged when we find ourselves in disappointment or sorrow that this life is temporary, and we are held by an eternal God.